An Open Letter to Kohls*

Dear Kohls*,
I hate you. I know this is a bit harsh, but it must be said. There are too many innocent shoppers that you have decieved and let me state this as clearly as possible: I am not one of them. Don't think for a second that you have me fooled to think that this plain black sweater was ever $65.00 or whatever ridiculous price you made up. This is not Storage Wars--you can't just say a price and expect the audience to accept it. Do you take me for a fool? You think I believe that the sweater has been marked down from$65.00 to $25.00 and I'm getting some sort of a deal? I am not one who is easily deceived. You may have hoodwinked the rest of America (or whatever sad places your stores are in... I'm not going to waste my time looking this up) but I am not buying a $16.00 pair of crap slippers just because you wrote down $100,000 as the original price and expect me to think your janky brand was ever something special. And on another note, when the entire store is 25% off, that is not a "sale"! If every item is marked down, my only assumption is that some (now jobless) employee messed up on the printing of every price tag in your store. Calling this mishap a "sale" is quite the presumtuous move, Kohls.
This brings me to my next order of shaming. Lauren and Vera, I am very disappointed in you. Sellouts! Now, I am all about selling out in a good way; you make money, I get to buy your stuff. But what is this business of having your designs sold in this repugnant excuse for a department store?
Lauren Conrad, I think you are fantastic. You are smart (you went in to Hollywood, got your biz and got out) and you have the most awesome style, not to mention stellar beauty tips and tricks. Why wouldn't I want to buy items you designed? Why? Oh yeah, because it would require me walking in to Kohls.
Vera Wang, you are a lady of style and class. Did you hit your head on your way in to signing the contract with Kohls? I described you as a lady of style and class, yet you have stooped to new lows. Previous to this inexplicable career move your designs have been, let's just say it, unobtainable for me. You have the status and clout that constitutes the sketches you draw to be worth too much money for me and my shillings. As stated in Bride Wars, "You don't alter Vera to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera." So now at this point in your career you look to appeal to the masses. I get it, I'm the masses. But did you have to do such a nose dive? I mean, you had so many stores on your way down, why did you have to shoot straight to the bottom? Nordstrom would have been a fantastic fit for you, in my perfect opinion.
Oh, Kohls. Everytime you tell me to "expect great things" I find myself with the urge to back-hand you. You induce violence in my heart! Shame on you, and your "discounted" merchandise.

Respectfully,
Krystina

*In this particular instance, I am making an example of Kohls. JC Penny and Macy's, this applies equally to you as well.